Why?

Tonight I shot another wedding, and I saw the single most attractive woman (to my eye) I can recall ever seeing.  Probably 6' tall or perhaps 6'1", a very proportionate figure, not a rail or otherwise very thin but not fat at all, brunette, everything right besides a very slight tendency to double chin (which anyone can get when laughing/looking down).  Lots of attitude/personality, very open, very active.

I am in a monogamous relationship, 6 years and still going.  Yet, I am still extremely attracted to this person I saw tonight.  I have never been attracted to anyone as much as her, as far as I can remember.  But I know that it is wrong for me to be attracted to her, just as much as it is wrong for me to want her to be interested in me.  She's just another person I could never have.  I remember that I should be grateful to be with such a good, generous and positive person as I am with now, someone who finds me attractive. 

But I still want her interest and attraction.  She touched my head for an extended period of time during a shuttle ride.  She was inebriated, and just fooling around.  Part of me wanted her to want to continue touching me.  Part of me wanted her to like me, to be attracted to and interested in me.

Am I attracted to the person I have been with for 6 years?  Part of me is.  Part of me wishes I could have someone my age who I am more physically attracted to, with younger skin and fewer pains and physical limitations.  However, I know that physical beauty is temporary, and this idea keeps such desires in check.  Do they go away?  They don't go away, but I can forget them.  Besides, I'm not good enough for someone my age who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me, and who is also a great person.  I'm not very attractive and I'm not accomplished or a great person, so I don't deserve someone who is any or all of those things.  I probably don't deserve the person I am in a LTR with now.

Is the person I saw tonight better than the person I have been with for 6 years?  Who knows.  Is she intelligent?  Not sure.  Is she going to be more accomplished?  Not sure.  Is she really a great, generous, good person?  Not sure.  Do these things matter?  Yes, they do...but so does physical attraction, which is both augmented by and supportive of those other traits.  I'm more attracted to my girlfriend when we are getting along well than when we are having nitpicking issues.

But I don't deserve a great person anyway.  But I want a great person I am extremely attracted to.  But I can't have that.  Since I can't have what I want, why should I even bother with anything at all?  I am destined to never have what I really want, and to not know what I really want anyway...except that I want the affection of someone I am very attracted to.

If the person from tonight had wanted to continue contact with me, I would have refused because I am in a LTR.  However, I still very much would want to say yes to her.  But honor (great thing that it is) keeps me from allowing myself to get involved in anyone else, no matter how attractive they are or how interested I might be.  Am I happy short-term because of this?  No, but I am safer and probably happier long-term.

I have been working for 12+ hours today.  I am tired.  I want that attractive woman to want to be with me.  But I can't have that.

What is the point of this civilization anyway, where people absolutely must stay in monogamous relationships according to the rules?  Why are people so bothered by the concept of not sharing intimacy with different people at different times?  Why are swingers such a stupid cliche, except that they are not mainstreamed and are still very self-conscious about their patterns?  I have been attracted to many different people, why can't I act on that without serious negative repercussions?  Attraction is a fickle thing...

Again, why bother with anything when I can't have what I really want?  Why is giving in wrong?  Why is it that "giving in to desire" tends to lead down a bad path?  Why does everything desirable in this world seem to lead down a bad path, and only the mediocre or the flawed or the otherwise not-100% satisfactory choices end up being safer and less problematic?

I am a safe person, I do things as permitted by suggestions, best judgment and opinions...of others.  When I would want to not bother walking the straight and narrow pathway anymore, I am kept going along the same old way through fear of trouble, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, etc.

Sigh.  Tired, 12+ hours.  Want to be wanted by someone my age who is a great person who I am also extremely attracted to.  I feel guilty for wanting that, and I don't deserve any of it.  I'm not a great or attractive person, why would I dare to want those things in someone else?  I have no right.

I have no right...why bother?  I won't become or accomplish anything.  I would rather hide forever and eventually fade away...since I can't have what I want because I don't deserve what I want...