Tonight I shot another wedding, and I saw the single most attractive woman (to my eye) I can recall ever seeing. Probably 6' tall or perhaps 6'1", a very proportionate figure, not a rail or otherwise very thin but not fat at all, brunette, everything right besides a very slight tendency to double chin (which anyone can get when laughing/looking down). Lots of attitude/personality, very open, very active.
I am in a monogamous relationship, 6 years and still going. Yet, I am still extremely attracted to this person I saw tonight. I have never been attracted to anyone as much as her, as far as I can remember. But I know that it is wrong for me to be attracted to her, just as much as it is wrong for me to want her to be interested in me. She's just another person I could never have. I remember that I should be grateful to be with such a good, generous and positive person as I am with now, someone who finds me attractive.
But I still want her interest and attraction. She touched my head for an extended period of time during a shuttle ride. She was inebriated, and just fooling around. Part of me wanted her to want to continue touching me. Part of me wanted her to like me, to be attracted to and interested in me.
Am I attracted to the person I have been with for 6 years? Part of me is. Part of me wishes I could have someone my age who I am more physically attracted to, with younger skin and fewer pains and physical limitations. However, I know that physical beauty is temporary, and this idea keeps such desires in check. Do they go away? They don't go away, but I can forget them. Besides, I'm not good enough for someone my age who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me, and who is also a great person. I'm not very attractive and I'm not accomplished or a great person, so I don't deserve someone who is any or all of those things. I probably don't deserve the person I am in a LTR with now.
Is the person I saw tonight better than the person I have been with for 6 years? Who knows. Is she intelligent? Not sure. Is she going to be more accomplished? Not sure. Is she really a great, generous, good person? Not sure. Do these things matter? Yes, they do...but so does physical attraction, which is both augmented by and supportive of those other traits. I'm more attracted to my girlfriend when we are getting along well than when we are having nitpicking issues.
But I don't deserve a great person anyway. But I want a great person I am extremely attracted to. But I can't have that. Since I can't have what I want, why should I even bother with anything at all? I am destined to never have what I really want, and to not know what I really want anyway...except that I want the affection of someone I am very attracted to.
If the person from tonight had wanted to continue contact with me, I would have refused because I am in a LTR. However, I still very much would want to say yes to her. But honor (great thing that it is) keeps me from allowing myself to get involved in anyone else, no matter how attractive they are or how interested I might be. Am I happy short-term because of this? No, but I am safer and probably happier long-term.
I have been working for 12+ hours today. I am tired. I want that attractive woman to want to be with me. But I can't have that.
What is the point of this civilization anyway, where people absolutely must stay in monogamous relationships according to the rules? Why are people so bothered by the concept of not sharing intimacy with different people at different times? Why are swingers such a stupid cliche, except that they are not mainstreamed and are still very self-conscious about their patterns? I have been attracted to many different people, why can't I act on that without serious negative repercussions? Attraction is a fickle thing...
Again, why bother with anything when I can't have what I really want? Why is giving in wrong? Why is it that "giving in to desire" tends to lead down a bad path? Why does everything desirable in this world seem to lead down a bad path, and only the mediocre or the flawed or the otherwise not-100% satisfactory choices end up being safer and less problematic?
I am a safe person, I do things as permitted by suggestions, best judgment and opinions...of others. When I would want to not bother walking the straight and narrow pathway anymore, I am kept going along the same old way through fear of trouble, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, etc.
Sigh. Tired, 12+ hours. Want to be wanted by someone my age who is a great person who I am also extremely attracted to. I feel guilty for wanting that, and I don't deserve any of it. I'm not a great or attractive person, why would I dare to want those things in someone else? I have no right.
I have no right...why bother? I won't become or accomplish anything. I would rather hide forever and eventually fade away...since I can't have what I want because I don't deserve what I want...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Following the wrong path?
Depression, confusion, dissatisfaction, forgetfulness, frustration, feeling off, indifferent, distant...these describe many emotions common to my days.
I am a long-time videogame player. I remember that something changed around that transition period between 12 and 14 years of age. I recall a distinct feeling of cloudyness in my mind, a lack of thought and planning and motivation, an inability to focus my mind and attention and concentrate on the subject matter at hand. It was probably the first time I can remember having a distinct awareness of such a thing...although, when I was much younger, I used to become frustrated with school projects like writing compositions. I used to get mental blocks and feel like I wasn't getting anywhere, and I would give up, crying, until my parents consoled me adequately and helped show me that I could actually put things together adequately myself.
Back to 12-14 years of age...I was wasting time on videogames, and there was a particular game. I was one of a small number of people who played it (or thought I did) on a level above most others. There were quirks and tricks to the game, and experienced players could learn them. There were also planning and prediction to the game, as well as timing. These were the things that I started noticing were "blacking out" spontaneously. Suddenly, I started having these hours or days where I couldn't really plan and predict and time things right, and I noticed that I had horrible luck during those times. I lost often then...But then there were times when my mind felt clearer, and I timed things right, planned and predicted correctly much more often (not perfectly, but nobody's perfect they say), and I won more then. At first, the mentally cloudy times were less frequent than the clear times, but clouds gradually came in and took up more and more of the time...until I was left with a few days of clarity only every few weeks, and then every few months, and then sometimes a year or longer would go by before I felt that clarity...and then only for a part of a day.
I have felt guilt about wasting all of that time playing videogames. I tried not to think about it...I kept myself distracted by playing more videogames. Just like alcohol, drugs, etc., for other people. An endless pit, bottomless, until I run out of time. After all, what are we alive for? Why does anyone have any drive to do anything? What drives people to try to reach goals when life is gone in the blink of an eye? I have lived a few decades now and have experienced the motion of time - it goes too fast for beings that only live 60-100 years. All the people I care about most are older than me and will likely die before me. That is a very sad feeling I cannot get over. I get more consolation from hoping that I die early so I can avoid the pain, because I am not strong enough to deal with it.
I have had a few breakdowns before. Each time it happens, I feel very innocent and naive again...but positive, if clear and simple-minded. Then, little by little, the clouds of habit and old beliefs and patterns close in again until I am just like I was before, sometimes with one or two changes...the clouds may take months or even years to form again, but they always do.
For three years, after one such occasion that was strikingly similar to a breakdown (minus all the crying), I stopped playing videogames. I didn't miss them much for the first year, but I would have dreams about playing them. Those dreams became more frequent. Most of the dreams would be about old frustrations at my always being outsmarted and outplayed because others were faster, better multitaskers, smarter, etc...which tells about my greatest personal frustration: I always wanted to be extremely intelligent, because I believe that intelligence can open up more doors and make more things possible. Intelligence is the key to do anything "humanly possible." That's what I thought, and a big part of me still thinks that. If I were intelligent, I could do anything I wanted to, anything I set my mind to. That was freedom for me. And I wanted freedom.
All I really want is freedom. I don't like boundaries. Life is a fluid experience, but with many boundaries self-imposed and culturally-imposed and socially-imposed. Time is one of those boundaries: you must be on time for your job, you must do etc etc within a specific timeframe, etc. etc. Fluid with boundaries...doesn't make sense. Boundaries generate stress for me, and I don't like stress.
I remember when I first got interested in photography - I didn't know the boundaries and limits. I didn't want to learn as much as I could, I just was interested and did learn. I learned because I was interested. When I started taking photos and getting paid for it, that was a whole new door. For years, it didn't seem so much like a job. Just something I got paid to do that I enjoyed. Then, gradually, it started to seem more and more like work. The more I learned, the more I saw...boundaries, limitations, those things that infinitely frustrate me. I try to ignore them, but always it comes back to that. Now, my photographic eye is built around trying to avoid flaws and work within certain all the boundaries...but what is worse, I forgot or can't seem to recall most of the details of composition that I had taught myself through reading and observation. I never learned a great many of them, but I learned some and they were generally helpful. Now, I find myself groping in the dark as if I don't know what I'm doing again. It's frustrating.
And my other job, which I just got...it was never something I was looking forward to doing as a career, it was a financially-motivated decision.
I do wonder if choosing paths for life that I am not satisfied with or don't really like (or feel guilty about) do lead partly to that mental cloudiness that I feel so often. Yet, if I leave the videogames, all I do is wish I was playing them. Unless I engross myself in something else - which isn't always possible. If I can manage to become absorbed in some other subject, then perhaps I can get interested in it - but then it excludes everything else, and I lose interest in other things. And, whatever that interest may be, it fades and then I can't seem to be interested enough anymore to absorb new info on the subject.
All very frustrating, the boundaries of my mind...today I go to my photography job again, trying to think of fresh ideas but feeling the limitations of focal lengths (distortion or not enough environment in the frame), physical height (not tall enough), lighting (need to hire an assistant), and of course knowledge (don't really understand properly about posing people, drawing the eye, etc.).
What is my right path? Would I feel any better if I wasn't following the wrong path? How do I know if the path is wrong or right? What do I really want to do?
I wonder if a completely free person lacks interest in doing anything - maybe only when a person is stressed do they feel compelled to do anything besides standing still. The things I have done instead of avoided are the things I least regretted, even if those things were stressful. However, I base this lack of regret mostly on the overall positive emotional impact it had on others I care about, which was my primary positive feedback.
I don't ponder the meaning of life so much as the reason to bother doing anything during the short time I have here.
The nature of humankind to inherently be good is probably not true...the nature of any human to desire to feel at peace with oneself may be more true. Assuming peace with oneself comes from a sense of doing the right thing, it's important to note that the "right thing" for that one person may not be right or good or beneficial for everyone impacted by that person's "right-thing" decision or action. It's a completely self-centered goal of personal gratification, and any impact on the lives of others is simply collateral.
Is the newness of things the reason for a perpetuation of that interested feeling? Is this why people have those phases of "love" and enjoying a new hobby, buying a new accessory, etc.? Do we have to have new and different experiences to maintain the feeling of living and enthusiasm and enjoyment? When we stop doing new things, do we feel dulled? Is this true for just one person, more than one, or everyone? I know that many people feel more comfortable when they feel in control of things, and some people enjoy having established routines...but these are not always the same people, and not everyone seems to enjoy routine. Maybe I do not enjoy routine so much...but perhaps those who enjoy the routine are more at peace with that path in life. Maybe they found a path that is right for them, or at least enough so that they can continue living without much issue. There are degrees to dissatisfaction too, and different degrees of straying from one's "right path" can probably have different degrees of psychological impact. Some may be more livable than others.
I am a long-time videogame player. I remember that something changed around that transition period between 12 and 14 years of age. I recall a distinct feeling of cloudyness in my mind, a lack of thought and planning and motivation, an inability to focus my mind and attention and concentrate on the subject matter at hand. It was probably the first time I can remember having a distinct awareness of such a thing...although, when I was much younger, I used to become frustrated with school projects like writing compositions. I used to get mental blocks and feel like I wasn't getting anywhere, and I would give up, crying, until my parents consoled me adequately and helped show me that I could actually put things together adequately myself.
Back to 12-14 years of age...I was wasting time on videogames, and there was a particular game. I was one of a small number of people who played it (or thought I did) on a level above most others. There were quirks and tricks to the game, and experienced players could learn them. There were also planning and prediction to the game, as well as timing. These were the things that I started noticing were "blacking out" spontaneously. Suddenly, I started having these hours or days where I couldn't really plan and predict and time things right, and I noticed that I had horrible luck during those times. I lost often then...But then there were times when my mind felt clearer, and I timed things right, planned and predicted correctly much more often (not perfectly, but nobody's perfect they say), and I won more then. At first, the mentally cloudy times were less frequent than the clear times, but clouds gradually came in and took up more and more of the time...until I was left with a few days of clarity only every few weeks, and then every few months, and then sometimes a year or longer would go by before I felt that clarity...and then only for a part of a day.
I have felt guilt about wasting all of that time playing videogames. I tried not to think about it...I kept myself distracted by playing more videogames. Just like alcohol, drugs, etc., for other people. An endless pit, bottomless, until I run out of time. After all, what are we alive for? Why does anyone have any drive to do anything? What drives people to try to reach goals when life is gone in the blink of an eye? I have lived a few decades now and have experienced the motion of time - it goes too fast for beings that only live 60-100 years. All the people I care about most are older than me and will likely die before me. That is a very sad feeling I cannot get over. I get more consolation from hoping that I die early so I can avoid the pain, because I am not strong enough to deal with it.
I have had a few breakdowns before. Each time it happens, I feel very innocent and naive again...but positive, if clear and simple-minded. Then, little by little, the clouds of habit and old beliefs and patterns close in again until I am just like I was before, sometimes with one or two changes...the clouds may take months or even years to form again, but they always do.
For three years, after one such occasion that was strikingly similar to a breakdown (minus all the crying), I stopped playing videogames. I didn't miss them much for the first year, but I would have dreams about playing them. Those dreams became more frequent. Most of the dreams would be about old frustrations at my always being outsmarted and outplayed because others were faster, better multitaskers, smarter, etc...which tells about my greatest personal frustration: I always wanted to be extremely intelligent, because I believe that intelligence can open up more doors and make more things possible. Intelligence is the key to do anything "humanly possible." That's what I thought, and a big part of me still thinks that. If I were intelligent, I could do anything I wanted to, anything I set my mind to. That was freedom for me. And I wanted freedom.
All I really want is freedom. I don't like boundaries. Life is a fluid experience, but with many boundaries self-imposed and culturally-imposed and socially-imposed. Time is one of those boundaries: you must be on time for your job, you must do etc etc within a specific timeframe, etc. etc. Fluid with boundaries...doesn't make sense. Boundaries generate stress for me, and I don't like stress.
I remember when I first got interested in photography - I didn't know the boundaries and limits. I didn't want to learn as much as I could, I just was interested and did learn. I learned because I was interested. When I started taking photos and getting paid for it, that was a whole new door. For years, it didn't seem so much like a job. Just something I got paid to do that I enjoyed. Then, gradually, it started to seem more and more like work. The more I learned, the more I saw...boundaries, limitations, those things that infinitely frustrate me. I try to ignore them, but always it comes back to that. Now, my photographic eye is built around trying to avoid flaws and work within certain all the boundaries...but what is worse, I forgot or can't seem to recall most of the details of composition that I had taught myself through reading and observation. I never learned a great many of them, but I learned some and they were generally helpful. Now, I find myself groping in the dark as if I don't know what I'm doing again. It's frustrating.
And my other job, which I just got...it was never something I was looking forward to doing as a career, it was a financially-motivated decision.
I do wonder if choosing paths for life that I am not satisfied with or don't really like (or feel guilty about) do lead partly to that mental cloudiness that I feel so often. Yet, if I leave the videogames, all I do is wish I was playing them. Unless I engross myself in something else - which isn't always possible. If I can manage to become absorbed in some other subject, then perhaps I can get interested in it - but then it excludes everything else, and I lose interest in other things. And, whatever that interest may be, it fades and then I can't seem to be interested enough anymore to absorb new info on the subject.
All very frustrating, the boundaries of my mind...today I go to my photography job again, trying to think of fresh ideas but feeling the limitations of focal lengths (distortion or not enough environment in the frame), physical height (not tall enough), lighting (need to hire an assistant), and of course knowledge (don't really understand properly about posing people, drawing the eye, etc.).
What is my right path? Would I feel any better if I wasn't following the wrong path? How do I know if the path is wrong or right? What do I really want to do?
I wonder if a completely free person lacks interest in doing anything - maybe only when a person is stressed do they feel compelled to do anything besides standing still. The things I have done instead of avoided are the things I least regretted, even if those things were stressful. However, I base this lack of regret mostly on the overall positive emotional impact it had on others I care about, which was my primary positive feedback.
I don't ponder the meaning of life so much as the reason to bother doing anything during the short time I have here.
The nature of humankind to inherently be good is probably not true...the nature of any human to desire to feel at peace with oneself may be more true. Assuming peace with oneself comes from a sense of doing the right thing, it's important to note that the "right thing" for that one person may not be right or good or beneficial for everyone impacted by that person's "right-thing" decision or action. It's a completely self-centered goal of personal gratification, and any impact on the lives of others is simply collateral.
Is the newness of things the reason for a perpetuation of that interested feeling? Is this why people have those phases of "love" and enjoying a new hobby, buying a new accessory, etc.? Do we have to have new and different experiences to maintain the feeling of living and enthusiasm and enjoyment? When we stop doing new things, do we feel dulled? Is this true for just one person, more than one, or everyone? I know that many people feel more comfortable when they feel in control of things, and some people enjoy having established routines...but these are not always the same people, and not everyone seems to enjoy routine. Maybe I do not enjoy routine so much...but perhaps those who enjoy the routine are more at peace with that path in life. Maybe they found a path that is right for them, or at least enough so that they can continue living without much issue. There are degrees to dissatisfaction too, and different degrees of straying from one's "right path" can probably have different degrees of psychological impact. Some may be more livable than others.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Day Two
Theoretically, a device could be used to measure the number of respirations by being positioned on the chest and measuring chest rise. I was never good at measuring respirations visually. The device would have a self-timer (like a 1-minute or 15/30 second stopwatch) and measure with a wavelength visualizer for review, and be about the size of a silver dollar.
I think that depression is treated incorrectly. Pharmaceuticals conveniently think the chicken comes first, which is the chemical imbalance that leads to the mood. This is a profitable way of dealing with depression. I think that the egg comes first, which equates to the various isolated unresolved issues within one's life that accumulate and eventually lead to a generalized perspective of apathy, disinterest, etc...psychological disturbances are associated with chemical abnormalities, but nobody understands how or why those abnormalities occur. Some theories suggest genetic predisposition, but what about the family dynamics that influence or lead to repeated behaviors within a family? In short, identify and manage the problems causing the depression and the chemical imbalance will go away. Why is this so hard? Because many things that we have come to expect as perfectly normal in our lives are actually important problems that are leading to the chemical imbalance associated with depression...those things are normal, commonplace, and often impossible to avoid if you are functioning as a regular member of society. Deep down, we are doing things we don't want to do, every single day - and it wears at our psyche, which then alters our neurochemical balance. It's not just that we don't want to do those things, but, more importantly, we are not supposed to be doing them. They are cultural norms. Have a job, 9-5 five days a week. Weekends are just about all the time you get to yourself.
This is my second day. Orientation comes this morning. I have to buy a watch before I go, since I forgot my old one.
__________________
End of second day. Roller coaster ride of anxiety leading to a peak, and a surprising relief at the end of that peak.
I think that depression is treated incorrectly. Pharmaceuticals conveniently think the chicken comes first, which is the chemical imbalance that leads to the mood. This is a profitable way of dealing with depression. I think that the egg comes first, which equates to the various isolated unresolved issues within one's life that accumulate and eventually lead to a generalized perspective of apathy, disinterest, etc...psychological disturbances are associated with chemical abnormalities, but nobody understands how or why those abnormalities occur. Some theories suggest genetic predisposition, but what about the family dynamics that influence or lead to repeated behaviors within a family? In short, identify and manage the problems causing the depression and the chemical imbalance will go away. Why is this so hard? Because many things that we have come to expect as perfectly normal in our lives are actually important problems that are leading to the chemical imbalance associated with depression...those things are normal, commonplace, and often impossible to avoid if you are functioning as a regular member of society. Deep down, we are doing things we don't want to do, every single day - and it wears at our psyche, which then alters our neurochemical balance. It's not just that we don't want to do those things, but, more importantly, we are not supposed to be doing them. They are cultural norms. Have a job, 9-5 five days a week. Weekends are just about all the time you get to yourself.
This is my second day. Orientation comes this morning. I have to buy a watch before I go, since I forgot my old one.
__________________
End of second day. Roller coaster ride of anxiety leading to a peak, and a surprising relief at the end of that peak.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Day One
What if we lived in an era where there were daily or weekly basic teaching sessions for entry-level learning of various skills and trades (complete with tools to use for learning) provided in public areas like parks, recreation areas, etc.? What if those teaching sessions were 100% free?
This is my first day, the first day of orientation to my new career. The first bomb has already dropped: toward the end of this day, the first day, I was told I may have to provide a service I was trained only loosely for over a year ago, with a very limited refresher, all-new paperwork, having to perform all the assessments I was never very good at...and I will have to do that tomorrow (or Friday at the latest). And I will have to act like I know what I'm doing, when I know I don't.
Just this morning, I was wondering why I don't feel very interested in bothering with much of anything...everything seems associated with difficulty, inconvenience, and the rewards - such as they are - are either nothing I am interested in, inadequate, or completely non-existent. I have brief periods of enjoyment from time to time, but in the end the good feelings are hollow and temporary, and all I have to look forward to in the future is growing more disabled and functionally limited, watching loved ones fade away and disappear entirely, and then eventually going away myself...going away to some unknown.
What is there to like about this world, again? Politics, just a bunch of posturing double-speak from people who don't care about what happens to those whose best interests they always claim to be looking out for? Massive amounts of red tape making even the simplest changes and efforts require incredible volumes of time, money, paper, etc.? The incredible arm of advertisement that covers practically every possibly-important square inch of every stadium and publically-relevant site they can get ahold of? A society encouraged to accept everyone and everything as equal while also being taught to be hypersensitive to the point of absurd paranoia? A self-destructive economy design where massive corporations become the primary controllers of employment and money by being able to afford all the masters-of-numbers and legal-loophole-finders and lobbyists and perpetuating laws and rules that choke out the small fry competition, and which corporations can deliberately contract, shed off large numbers of employees, and simultaneously increase their profit margins by incredible amounts? Oil companies (among the corporations) who make more in one hour (or perhaps one minute) than the average middle-class USA citizen makes in their entire life? And a population that ignores all of these facts while saying "Yeah, I know, what can you do though?" and which is destined to go down in very weak flames after they have successfully been choked from every possible angle by the astonishingly obvious self-interested life-leeches that basically control the way the world works now?
I'm just not sure...doesn't seem like a very good time to be a human being.
This is my first day, the first day of orientation to my new career. The first bomb has already dropped: toward the end of this day, the first day, I was told I may have to provide a service I was trained only loosely for over a year ago, with a very limited refresher, all-new paperwork, having to perform all the assessments I was never very good at...and I will have to do that tomorrow (or Friday at the latest). And I will have to act like I know what I'm doing, when I know I don't.
Just this morning, I was wondering why I don't feel very interested in bothering with much of anything...everything seems associated with difficulty, inconvenience, and the rewards - such as they are - are either nothing I am interested in, inadequate, or completely non-existent. I have brief periods of enjoyment from time to time, but in the end the good feelings are hollow and temporary, and all I have to look forward to in the future is growing more disabled and functionally limited, watching loved ones fade away and disappear entirely, and then eventually going away myself...going away to some unknown.
What is there to like about this world, again? Politics, just a bunch of posturing double-speak from people who don't care about what happens to those whose best interests they always claim to be looking out for? Massive amounts of red tape making even the simplest changes and efforts require incredible volumes of time, money, paper, etc.? The incredible arm of advertisement that covers practically every possibly-important square inch of every stadium and publically-relevant site they can get ahold of? A society encouraged to accept everyone and everything as equal while also being taught to be hypersensitive to the point of absurd paranoia? A self-destructive economy design where massive corporations become the primary controllers of employment and money by being able to afford all the masters-of-numbers and legal-loophole-finders and lobbyists and perpetuating laws and rules that choke out the small fry competition, and which corporations can deliberately contract, shed off large numbers of employees, and simultaneously increase their profit margins by incredible amounts? Oil companies (among the corporations) who make more in one hour (or perhaps one minute) than the average middle-class USA citizen makes in their entire life? And a population that ignores all of these facts while saying "Yeah, I know, what can you do though?" and which is destined to go down in very weak flames after they have successfully been choked from every possible angle by the astonishingly obvious self-interested life-leeches that basically control the way the world works now?
I'm just not sure...doesn't seem like a very good time to be a human being.
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